Date: March 27, 2020
Quarantine Day: 12
Last Song I Listened To: “Mother’s Daughter” by Miley
Cyrus (caution: explicit content)
Last Person I Communicated With: Laura Ward
Last Thing I Ate: Spaghetti-o’s
Last Thing I Read: my students’ discussion board posts
Current Mood: bored-but-hopeful
One Thing I’ve Accomplished Today: Graduate Student
panel with potential English grad students
One Thing I Want To Accomplish Today: read more of the
book I’m reading
One Reason I’m Stressed Today: have to start grading
U2 Revisions
One Reason I’m Happy Today: set up a Zoom meeting with
a potential grad student for next week to talk about Children’s Lit
Dear Apocalypsers,
I have done nothing particularly interesting since my
last entry, but I’ve survived. I’ll honesty say that the highlight of the last
four days has been my Zoom meetings (something I never thought I’d say!)
The isolation isn’t as crippling as I was afraid it
would be. It’s possible that I over-hyped it in my own head…or maybe I’m just being
stubborn. It seems like everything in the world is going against me right now—graduation
is cancelled; I can’t see my friends; people are dying; I can’t even go to
school, which I’ve always loved—it’s like the world wants me to be
miserable. Lucky for me, though, I hate being told what to do and how to feel,
so I’ve just decided that I’m going to be happy to spite the universe. It’s
been…a challenge…some days, but this isolation has forced me to find little
things to appreciate and enjoy. I’ve actually been keeping a journal for a
while where I just write out the reasons I’m stressed and the reasons I’m happy
each day. I always try to make the “happy” list longer than the “stressed”
list. I feel a little like Katniss in the epilogue of Mockingjay (2010) where
she lists the good things in her life. It really is a great grounding technique
and something that we could probably all benefit from these days.
But it was so great getting to see my classmates last
night, especially during Apocalypse! (I swear I’m not just saying that because
this blog is also for that class!) I just really missed talking about books
with everyone; they’re so freaking smart! I could listen to them talk for
hours! We’ve always had such good discussions in that class, and the books are
right up the alley of things I like, so it was nice to be back—even in a
limited capacity. I couldn’t help but notice that I was smiling the whole time,
and I even came close to happy-crying, as weird as that sounds. (Okay, maybe
the isolation is getting to me a little.)
Okay, but in my defense I didn't actually think I would see an apocalypse when I wrote that, LOL. 😅❤️ https://t.co/3cCE7UiPws— Justina Ireland (@justinaireland) March 27, 2020
Today, too, I got some human interaction. It was “visiting
day” for perspective graduate students, and Jimmy asked me to be on a grad
student panel via Zoom to talk with them about our experiences as grad students
and GTAs. I’ve always loved these kind of things. I used to work events like
this for my newspaper and Honors Program in undergrad, and I would sign up for
the full 4 hours just to talk to perspective students. What can I say? I like
talking (obviously) and meeting people! The students I met today seem really
cool. A lot of them are already at K-State and are looking to pursue their
M.A.s here, but some are from out of state (or country!) They asked really good
questions, and I hope I was able to convey to them just how much my time at
K-State has meant to me and how much it’s shaped me as a person and a scholar.
Has it been flawless? No. I know it’s been hard and stressful, but, after
talking to these students, I realize that I’d do it all over again (pandemic
included) if I meant I could have the good times, too.
 |
| Evidence of one of the many "good things" I've had happen since grad school started. This was in August 2018. We hadn't even known each other a week. It's a low-quaity pic that serves as the beginning of a high-quality adventure. |
I’m not sure if this is a good response to
global crisis, but I’ve found that I’ve either been really nostalgic or really
future-oriented. I haven’t spent much time in the present. My mom would
always get onto me as a kid about wishing my life away, wanting to get to the
weekend or Christmas or graduation, but I think she’d make an exception for now.
I don’t think anyone wants to live in this moment longer than we
have to. But that’s why I make my list, because, like Katniss says, it’s
survival. We can critique the heteronormativity of The Hunger Games; we
can even fight over if Katniss should have chosen Gale or Peeta (it’s obviously
Peeta!), but I don’t think we can argue how eerily relevant the last page of
Mockingjay is now:
“My
children, who don’t know they play on a graveyard.
Peeta says it will be
okay. We have each other. And the book. We can make them understand in a way
that will make them braver. But one day I’ll have to explain my nightmares. Why
they came. Why they won’t ever really go away.
I’ll tell them how I
survive it. I’ll tell them that on bad mornings, it feels impossible to take
pleasure in anything because I’m afraid it could be taken away. That’s when I
make a list in my head of every act of goodness I’ve seen someone do. It’s like
a game. Repetitive. Even a little tedious after more than twenty years.
But there are much worse
games to play.” (Collins 390)
There are a lot of things we’ll have to explain to our
children someday: school shootings, pandemic, war, collapsing governments,
sexism, racism, homophobia, transphobia—all the things that we’ve witnessed in
our lifetime. Those aren’t easy things to stomach, but I hope we can also teach
our children how to cope with these things, even if it’s just making a list of
the good things.
Here’s to hoping you have good things to add to your
lists today.
May the odds be ever in our favor,
Katie
Works Cited:
Collins, Suzanne. Mockingjay. Scholastic, 2012.
@justinaireland. “Okay, but in my defense I didn't
actually think I would see an apocalypse when I wrote that, LOL.” Twitter,
26 March 2020, 8:04PM.
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