Date: March 29, 2020
Time of post: 9:00 PM*
Quarantine Day: 14
Last Song I Listened To: “Wild Things” by Alessia Cara
Last Person I Communicated With: my mom (via Facebook
Messenger)
Last Thing I Ate: sausage gumbo (from a can) and strawberries
Last Thing I Read: text messages from my friend Kelsey
Current Mood: wired and restless and nostalgic and
sentimental
One Thing I’ve Accomplished Today: recorded and posted
this week’s PowerPoint for class
One Thing I Want To Accomplish Today: I’d like to
start another book
One Reason I’m Stressed Today: my apartment complex
wants to know if I’m renewing my lease (that isn’t up until the end of July) by
the end of the month, and this just feels like a really inconvenient time to
ask people what we’re doing with our lives
One Reason I’m Happy Today: my brother’s birthday is
tomorrow!
Dear Apocalypsers,
The days are starting to blur. I’m not saying that to
be dramatic. If I don’t check my phone, there’s a good chance I couldn’t tell
you what day of the week it is. In some ways, that’s nice. It’s almost like
being on vacation where you don’t have to be hyperaware of every moment
and what needs to get done. I’ve actually been way more productive from
home. I have more time for my own classwork, and what might take me an entire
day at the office to do only takes a couple hours at home. The trade-off is
that I’m lonelier, more wrapped up in my own thoughts. I don’t get to see my friends,
don’t get to ask about their days or their classes, don’t get to make random
trips to Radina’s. And I miss that so much it aches. I’m fairly certain this is
what heartbreak feels like.
But, thankfully, I’m a pretty optimistic person. I can
usually spin things to see the brighter side of a situation. But sometimes I
have days like yesterday where I cry four times for no apparent reason. Okay,
there are reasons. I listen to Niall Horan’s song “Dear Patience,” and sobbed a
little. Well, actually, I cried because of his Instagram caption where he said,
“Dear Patience is a song I wrote at a time when I felt like I needed to be more
patient with things and now that we’re all holed up at home , it feels like we
could all use a little patience” (@niallhoran). As my mother will tell you,
patience has never been my virtue, so this whole (very out of my control) pandemic
situation has been hard for me, and my “you-can’t-control-everything-so-focus-on-what-you-can”
attitude is starting to chip away. Anyway, that song made me cry yesterday.
Then, I was reading These Witches Don’t Burn (2019)
by Isabel Sterling (I finished it yesterday; it’s lovely!), and I came across
the sentence “I don’t want a new room” (317). That strikes a personal
chord, I guess, because—no spoilers—the main character ends up moving to a new
house against her will, and I remember what that was like. After the tornado, I
just wanted things to be normal. I know exactly what “I don’t want a
new room” means, and it’s about a new room. It’s about wanting control again.
About wanting things to feel familiar and right again—and also knowing that you
can’t have that, because what was once normal is gone now. That’s kind of how I
feel about being quarantined right now: I don’t want to do it because it’s not normal,
and I crave normalcy—but I will do it because I know I have.
(Oh boy, halfway through yesterday’s tears!)
Yesterday evening I cried because I saw that Lexi was
playing board games with her siblings over Zoom. They’re in 3 different states,
but they all got online to spend time together (a real feat in my mind, because
her youngest brother is 15!) I have a special place in my heart for sibling-relationships,
and the Bedell kids are all really close. I only have one brother. He’s 2 years
younger than me, and we are polar opposites. We fought all the time growing up,
but we’re finally in a place where we get along. I think we understand each
other better now—though I will never understand why he waits until the
last minute to do anything. It stresses me out just thinking about it.
And, finally, for reasons I still don’t understand, I
decided to read my dad’s high school graduation letter to me at 4 AM. (For
context, I haven’t gone to bed earlier than 2AM in weeks. I’m sleeping until at
least 11AM and generally living the nocturnal lifestyle I believe I was meant
for.)
 |
| A picture of me and my dad c. 2000 |
(Get ready for this. I’m about to bring this post full
circle.)
I realized—at 4AM—that maybe I owe my need to
emphasize the good in life to my parents, especially my dad. In my high school
graduation letter, he said, “Strive to forget the negatives and remember the
positives—you’ll be happier. Anger will eat holes in you, and in your soul.
Dump the bad stuff like the waste that it is. Learn from it, but then rid
yourself of it.” He might not have articulated that until I was 18, but my dad’s
been living that example my whole life. He’s always quicker with a happy story
than a mean word (unless we’re driving, in which case, I also get my road rage
from him!), and that’s what I try to emulate. It’s coming in handy right now,
even though I almost have to go out of my way to create the happy memories.
When I was talking to my mom this weekend, she said
that it was funny that journals were our final assignment because she had seen
on some talk show that they were encouraging people to keep journals to show
future generations. This, as everyone keeps saying, is history. And while I by
no means see this as the next The Diary of Anne Frank, I see the appeal
of keeping a record to pass down. And with that in mind, I’d like my children
and grandchildren to see that I’m trying to make the best of this. It’s not all
sunshine and rainbows—hence the crying four times in one day—but I want them to
see that I didn’t let this break me, that I kept some piece of my joy
throughout this ordeal. To quote Peeta from the Catching Fire (2009)
movie, “If I’m gonna die, I wanna still be me” (Lawrence)—not that I think I’m
going to die, but it’s the sentiment, you know?
Maybe this is the fire I’m meant to carry. (Gosh, all
roads lead to The Road (2006), don’t they?)
May the odds be ever in our favor,
Katie
*After looking over my previous posts, I realized that
my “last thing I ate” entry makes it seem like I’m living off junk food, when,
in reality, I’m usually writing these posts after dinner/late at night, so my
most recent “meal” is just a snack. So, I decided to include a time entry from
now on, so my children and grandchildren can only judge my sleeping habits, not
my eating habits (though I’m sure that’s inevitable, too).
Works Cited:
Catching Fire. Directed by Francis Lawrence, Lionsgate, 2013.
@niallhoran. “Dear Patience Dear Patience is a song I wrote at a time when I felt
like I needed to be more patient with things and now that we’re all holed up at
home , it feels like we could all use a little patience . Thanks to my bud @jimmyfallon for having me
on his show to perform this the other day . Hope you’re all well x” Instagram,
28 March 2020, 1:06 PM. https://www.instagram.com/p/B-SkJSPHKbZ/
Sterling, Isabel. The Witches Don’t Burn. Razorbill,
2019.
