Captain's Log, Day 10: A "Swift" Description of Everyday Magic

Date: April 14, 2020

Time of post: 10:50 PM

Quarantine Day: 30

Last Song I Listened To: “Gotta' Go My Own Way" from High School Musical 2

Last Person I Communicated With: believe it or not, I’m on the phone with my mom again

Last Thing I Ate: beef stroganoff Hamburger Helper & mint green tea

Last Thing I Read: The Way of Thorn and Thunder by Daniel Heath Justice

Current Mood: doing better

One Thing I’ve Accomplished Today: my dishes (finally!) and grading

One Thing I Want To Accomplish Today: read one more chapter of Justice & write for fun

One Reason I’m Stressed Today: grading is the worst part of my job

One Reason I’m Happy Today: had a Zoom: I started writing for fun last night!

Dear Apocalypsers,

I’ve been a little down the last couple of entries. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing. I’m a firm believer that your feelings aren’t wrong—especially during a pandemic—but I’ve that just means that I haven’t been talking as much about the good things that have been happening!

My letter from my pen pal Reese.

My church back home started a pen pal program between adults and children in the church, and I got my first letter from my pen pal last week! Her name is Reese, and I remember her from VBS and other church activities, but I doubt she remembers me. Her letter was so sweet, and it brought a much-needed smile to my face that day. It wasn’t long (she’s probably only 6 or 7), so I’ll quote it, grammar errors and all: “Dear, Katie, How are you doing? How is school going for you? I start my new school on Monday. Next time I right I will tell you about it. I also miss my friends how about you? Love, Reese” All written on a blank piece of paper. But she also included a picture of a cross that she painted. It’s hanging on my refrigerator as I write this.

I love kids. I loved working VBS and interacting with them—even as exhausting as it was. I even worked at my church daycare the summer after I graduated college (and that was a time and a half, let me tell you!). So I’m so excited that I get to have Reese as a pen pal friend. I’ll definitely update you on our friendship.

The picture that Reese drew for me hanging proudly on
my fridge.Add caption

Another fun thing that’s happened this week is that I’ve started to do things for fun again. I’ve been reading for fun a little (which is more than I was before!), but in the last week, I’ve started making a Taylor Swift PowerPoint and a Harry Potter spreadsheet (more on the latter in a minute). You see, as I sit in my kitchen typing this, I was supposed to be on my way to Kansas City to catch a red-eye flight to Denver and then to Philadelphia for the 2020 PCA/ACA conference. Jacque, Mikayla, Molly, and I (and maybe Dustin and Lexi) were going to make a ridiculous overnight flight to make it to Philly in time for Molly’s 11AM presentation tomorrow. As I just told my mom, “We were supposed to be making really poor life choices right now!” I was so excited about this trip. I knew it would be hellacious in the moment—I mean, our flight from Denver to Philly left at 1AM!—but it would be such a good story later. And I love stories. So I’ve been devastated for weeks that that isn’t happening. But, like I said several entries ago, I don’t want to be sad, so I’m being proactive. This might be a “secret” still, but we agreed to hold our own mini-PCA over Zoom some time before the end of the semester. Since the conference was going to be after all our M.A. defenses, we kind of branched out into different topic areas. We were going to present on new, fun things like Supernatural and horror movies and, yes, Taylor Swift. And we were so excited to see different sides of each other’s scholarship, and I didn’t want to miss out on that, so I suggested a mini-conference. I love public speaking and PowerPoints. I did a lot of theatre in high school (and I’m kind of a ham, in general), and there’s not much difference in playing a character on stage and presenting a paper. I also hate when people just read their paper straight through. I’m not an auditory learner, so it bores me to tears. I love a good, engaged presenter who throws in crummy puns and gives you a PowerPoint to look at—so that’s what I try to bring to my presentations. It’s not conventional, but it works for me. People either love it or they hate it.

A sneak peak of what should have been by PCA presentation!

So, what’s my paper on, you ask? Well, not to give too much away, but it’s called “‘I’ll Drive’: Freedom and Driving in the Lyrics of Taylor Swift.” Basically, driving has always been connected to freedom and independence, and I argue that a close reading of repeated references to driving in Swift’s lyrics conveys an evolution from social constraint to increased agency and freedom. The connection between women and driving is laden with historical context, and driving has traditionally been associated with freedom. For example, Saudi Arabian women have only been legally allowed to drive since 2017, and firsthand accounts say that driving “allows women to assert a modicum of individuality and freedom of choice” (Shalhoub). So, I trace images of cars and driving through Swift’s 7-album discography—I’ve been a fan for over a decade, so this was a labor of love, for sure—and, as time progresses, she goes from explicitly driving in her first, self-titled debut (and once in her second album) to exclusively being in the passenger seat in Red (2012) and 1989 (2014) There are instances of “implied driving” in these albums (and one heavily implied instance in Reputation (2017) but she no longer says “I drive” … until her latest album, Lover (2019). If we trace Swift’s personal life and career alongside her albums and driving references, we can see the lack of her own driving in her songs reflects the lack of control in her career: the Kanye West feud and subsequent ridicule she faced, her own struggles with eating disorders, the public slut-shaming by the media, and the rocky relationship with her former record label. Lover was created and released at a time when Swift is the most in-control of her career and life that she’s ever been: now with Republic Records, she owns the master recordings of all her future music; she left the public eye and social media for a year to write and prioritize her relationships with her family and longtime boyfriend Joe Alwyn; to quote her own music, she’s “doing better than [she] ever was” (Swift).

So yeah. That’s my paper. Tune in later to get all the details and see the insane amount of energy I put into the PowerPoint lol.

But there’s still more good!

Here you can see where I've sorted and color-coded everyone by their year
and dorm. Just looking at this makes my inner Ravenclaw very happy.

My other project has been a massive Harry Potter AU spreadsheet featuring all of the grad students. I got their birthdays so I could figure out when they would turn 11 and start at Hogwarts; I put everyone in Houses, and I sorted everyone into their dorms! So now I know who I’d be living with if my grad school community attended Hogwarts. (I may have—with the help of others—also added some of the professors in as Hogwarts employees, but given the eyes that will read this and the fact that I haven’t officially graduated yet, I won’t go into detail about that.) It was just so nice to have a project and imagine a world that isn’t this one. I’ve basically been picturing myself at Hogwarts since I was 7-years-old, but to build a world around it makes it feel even more immersive and real—even more real than this mess we’re actually living through. I spent 3 hours on Zoom with Molly, Mikayla, Lexi, Dustin, and Noelle talking about character arcs and story plots and how we would have met and what jobs we’d want in the Wizarding World, and it felt so nice to be able to answer “What do you want to do with your life?”, even if it’s in a fictional world. I think this is what they call “escapism,” haha.

So that’s what I’ve been up to recently. These weird niche interests are what’s keeping me going. I’m not even ashamed of it. I’m just trying to make the best of this absolutely wild situation.

It’s kind of like a quote from Daniel Heath Justice’s The Way of Thorn and Thunder: “Yes, much had been lost, but not all” (125). I’ve lost a lot this semester, and my heart aches for those things, but I refuse to just “lay down and die,” so to speak. I want to salvage as much as possible. Like I said last time, I can’t afford to lose hope. It’s all I have left.

"Yes, much had been lost, but not all" (pg 125) is a good message for these times.

"Your strength & bravery are very much needed at this grim time. But, for now, rest & let your heart be light; you've had far too many burdens on your strong, young shoulders lately" (pg 132)

— Katie Cline (@katiebethbug) April 14, 2020

May the odds be ever in our favor,

Katie

Works Cited

Justice, Daniel Heath. The Way of Thorn and Thunder: The Kynship Chronicles. University of New Mexico Press, 2013.

Swift, Taylor. “Call It What You Want.” Reputation, Big Machine Records, 10 November 2017.

Captain's Log, Day 5: Sleepless in Manhattan

Date: April 1, 2020

Time of post (well, when I started writing): 11:40 PM

Quarantine Day: 17

Last Song I Listened To: “You’re Not Sorry” by Taylor Swift

Last Person I Communicated With: my best friend from high school on Snapchat

Last Thing I Ate: spaghetti

Last Thing I Read: Chapter 1: The Album Amicorum from June Schlueter’s The Album Amicorum & the London of Shakespeare’s Time (for my History of the Book class)

Current Mood: so so so so so so so tired

One Thing I’ve Accomplished Today: a lot of school work…and I watched The Perks of Being a Wallflower (2012)

One Thing I Want To Accomplish Today: a good night’s sleep

One Reason I’m Stressed Today: stayed up all night last night (not totally on purpose) and am really, really regretting it now; my naps did not do good things for my sleep schedule

One Reason I’m Happy Today: an alum from the English Department saw the title of my M.A. project mentioned in the department blog and reached out to me asking to read it!

Dear Apocalypsers,

There has simultaneously been not a lot happening this week and so much happening. Yesterday, I went out to get gas. Literally, I just drove across the street to Dillon’s so I could use my Plus Points before they expired—but the weather was so nice. Right about 65 degrees with a cool breeze, and I felt it: I was going stir crazy. I needed to get out.

Maybe that’s why I couldn’t sleep last night. I was felt so cooped up. The blankets were too hot; the fan was too cold; the pillows were too lumpy; there was too much noise or not enough. Finally, at almost 6AM, I gave up on sleep, threw on a sweatshirt, made so much coffee, and went to watch the sunrise on the Kanza. I can’t tell you the last time I was up for the sunrise. Maybe the last time I went to the beach. But, this morning, I felt like I was the only person in the world. It should have been really, really lonely, but it was freeing. And—okay—a little lonely, but in a reflective way more than a sad way.

And it was so beautiful. Like, I understand why the Romantics and the Transcendentalists were so fascinated by nature to the point that they capitalized it.

I, may, uh, have fancied myself a little bit of a poem this morning, too. I contemplated not  putting it here, because I know that at least a handful of other people will read this (and I’m not a creative writer), and it is on the Internet forever, but then I figured that if this my legacy of the Coronavirus Apocalypse of 2020, then I had to include it.

So, here it is. I haven’t titled it.

Some of the sunrise pictures I took this morning just outside of Manhattan.

“Shorts so short my mother'd be appalled if she knew I went out in public in them.

(It's too cold for them, I know.

I haven't shaved.

But is it public if I'm alone?)

A college hoodie.

(From a school I'll never graduate from.

Full of friends I never said goodbye to.

And a lingering question: "what if?")

A sunrise over a state I've been fighting not to call home.

(Because I always end up moving anyway.

Because people always leave.

Because I still have to use my GPS to get anywhere, and you don't use a GPS in your home.)

I want to plant roots.

I'm a tree.

(At least I want to be.

Need to be.

Should be.)

But tornados like to take trees down

With wind and rain and thunder and lightning and all the dashed hopes for a future I planned.

But in that morning hour--not quite dark and not quite day--

The birds still sing

Like there isn't a storm coming.

The frogs still call

The same calls I was taught to identify as a little girl on my father's knee.

Because that's our love language:

Cricket frogs

and

Chorus frogs

and

Spring peepers

(Acris something and...

Pseudacris...something [I'd remember if I was home, wouldn't I?]

and Pseudacris crucifer [finally--something I know])

And the sky looks like Easter

But my phone can't quite capture it

And that feels poetic somehow

(Because maybe it hasn't been three days yet

Or maybe I'm not a Disciple

Or maybe I'm hanging on the other cross)

I can only live this beginning once

I wonder if the camera works better in low light, in sunset

Could I capture that,

Hold that forever?

Would the ending look prettier on film?

Maybe

But the birds don't sing then

At least the frogs still call

But can you plant a tree in a field in a state that isn't quite not home but isn't quite home because the birds outside my window aren't the same birds outside my parents' window and the frogs that call aren't the same frogs that called while I sat on my father's knee and learned their scientific names for the first time and actually remembered them?

Maybe my mother wouldn't be so appalled by my shorts after all”

Here's a picture from the lake. I get why the
poets like lakes so much.

After I watched the sunrise, I still didn’t want to go home, so I drove out to Tuttle Creek Lake. I barely saw another car on the road. It was peaceful. I haven’t felt peaceful in so long. I listened to Taylor Swift’s Red album as I drove. It’s perfect for this melancholy mood, because it feels like autumn. I sang so loud and didn’t care that I couldn’t hit the key if it was the broad side of a barn. It was really, really nice to let go.

That’s kind of the highlight for today. In other news, I read a whole book in a day on Tuesday. I haven’t done that in ages, but it’s my preferred method of reading. I like nothing more than to shut out the world and experience a book all at once. It’s like I told my mom, you wouldn’t watch just one scene of a movie at a time. The problem, of course, with my preferred method of reading it that it takes 2 hours to watch a movie, but maybe 10 or 12 hours to read a whole book. And I normally don’t have days and days to devote to reading for fun. I read 3 books in March, though—2 of them for no reason other than I wanted to! That’s huge for me.

So I guess that’s one small silver lining to this suffocating quarantine. And, if I can “get out of the house” once every 17 days, I guess that’s good, too. I should probably do that more often, though. Not let it all bottle up.

We’ll see how the mood strikes me, I guess.

May the odds be ever in our favor,

Katie

Captain's Log, Day 3: Panic or List It

Date: March 27, 2020

Quarantine Day: 12

Last Song I Listened To: “Mother’s Daughter” by Miley Cyrus (caution: explicit content)

Last Person I Communicated With: Laura Ward

Last Thing I Ate: Spaghetti-o’s

Last Thing I Read: my students’ discussion board posts

Current Mood: bored-but-hopeful

One Thing I’ve Accomplished Today: Graduate Student panel with potential English grad students

One Thing I Want To Accomplish Today: read more of the book I’m reading

One Reason I’m Stressed Today: have to start grading U2 Revisions

One Reason I’m Happy Today: set up a Zoom meeting with a potential grad student for next week to talk about Children’s Lit

Dear Apocalypsers,

I have done nothing particularly interesting since my last entry, but I’ve survived. I’ll honesty say that the highlight of the last four days has been my Zoom meetings (something I never thought I’d say!)

The isolation isn’t as crippling as I was afraid it would be. It’s possible that I over-hyped it in my own head…or maybe I’m just being stubborn. It seems like everything in the world is going against me right now—graduation is cancelled; I can’t see my friends; people are dying; I can’t even go to school, which I’ve always loved—it’s like the world wants me to be miserable. Lucky for me, though, I hate being told what to do and how to feel, so I’ve just decided that I’m going to be happy to spite the universe. It’s been…a challenge…some days, but this isolation has forced me to find little things to appreciate and enjoy. I’ve actually been keeping a journal for a while where I just write out the reasons I’m stressed and the reasons I’m happy each day. I always try to make the “happy” list longer than the “stressed” list. I feel a little like Katniss in the epilogue of Mockingjay (2010) where she lists the good things in her life. It really is a great grounding technique and something that we could probably all benefit from these days.

But it was so great getting to see my classmates last night, especially during Apocalypse! (I swear I’m not just saying that because this blog is also for that class!) I just really missed talking about books with everyone; they’re so freaking smart! I could listen to them talk for hours! We’ve always had such good discussions in that class, and the books are right up the alley of things I like, so it was nice to be back—even in a limited capacity. I couldn’t help but notice that I was smiling the whole time, and I even came close to happy-crying, as weird as that sounds. (Okay, maybe the isolation is getting to me a little.)

Okay, but in my defense I didn't actually think I would see an apocalypse when I wrote that, LOL. 😅❤️ https://t.co/3cCE7UiPws

— Justina Ireland (@justinaireland) March 27, 2020

Today, too, I got some human interaction. It was “visiting day” for perspective graduate students, and Jimmy asked me to be on a grad student panel via Zoom to talk with them about our experiences as grad students and GTAs. I’ve always loved these kind of things. I used to work events like this for my newspaper and Honors Program in undergrad, and I would sign up for the full 4 hours just to talk to perspective students. What can I say? I like talking (obviously) and meeting people! The students I met today seem really cool. A lot of them are already at K-State and are looking to pursue their M.A.s here, but some are from out of state (or country!) They asked really good questions, and I hope I was able to convey to them just how much my time at K-State has meant to me and how much it’s shaped me as a person and a scholar. Has it been flawless? No. I know it’s been hard and stressful, but, after talking to these students, I realize that I’d do it all over again (pandemic included) if I meant I could have the good times, too.

Evidence of one of the many "good things" I've had happen since grad school started. This was in August 2018. We hadn't even known each other a week. It's a low-quaity pic that serves as the beginning of a high-quality adventure.

I’m not sure if this is a good response to global crisis, but I’ve found that I’ve either been really nostalgic or really future-oriented. I haven’t spent much time in the present. My mom would always get onto me as a kid about wishing my life away, wanting to get to the weekend or Christmas or graduation, but I think she’d make an exception for now. I don’t think anyone wants to live in this moment longer than we have to. But that’s why I make my list, because, like Katniss says, it’s survival. We can critique the heteronormativity of The Hunger Games; we can even fight over if Katniss should have chosen Gale or Peeta (it’s obviously Peeta!), but I don’t think we can argue how eerily relevant the last page of Mockingjay is now:

            “My children, who don’t know they play on a graveyard.

Peeta says it will be okay. We have each other. And the book. We can make them understand in a way that will make them braver. But one day I’ll have to explain my nightmares. Why they came. Why they won’t ever really go away.

I’ll tell them how I survive it. I’ll tell them that on bad mornings, it feels impossible to take pleasure in anything because I’m afraid it could be taken away. That’s when I make a list in my head of every act of goodness I’ve seen someone do. It’s like a game. Repetitive. Even a little tedious after more than twenty years.

But there are much worse games to play.” (Collins 390)

There are a lot of things we’ll have to explain to our children someday: school shootings, pandemic, war, collapsing governments, sexism, racism, homophobia, transphobia—all the things that we’ve witnessed in our lifetime. Those aren’t easy things to stomach, but I hope we can also teach our children how to cope with these things, even if it’s just making a list of the good things.

Here’s to hoping you have good things to add to your lists today.

May the odds be ever in our favor,

Katie

Works Cited:

Collins, Suzanne. Mockingjay. Scholastic, 2012.

@justinaireland. “Okay, but in my defense I didn't actually think I would see an apocalypse when I wrote that, LOL.” Twitter, 26 March 2020, 8:04PM. https://twitter.com/justinaireland/status/1243343131669643264